What do you say when you have to tell someone of the opposite sex (whom you don’t know very well) that their fly is open? This goes both ways. See, there’s this sense that you’re invading someone’s privacy by having looked “there.” There’s a whole sexual issue that gets raised, when in some cases, it’s just a casual glance that got diverted by the blue shirttail popping through. And what if you’re about to make a big presentation or a small meeting?
What if you like to cross your legs???
This situation can bring up some anxiety issues. You hope that all someone saw was your underwear…and that there weren’t extra holes. But for guys, there could be the protection of a tucked in shirt. Women wear tighter pants…and more interesting underwear. All of a sudden, shy Sally in Accounting has announced she likes a little red lacy fun on Fridays.
I imagine that there’s someone who’s job it is to do the wardrobe check before a celebrity goes on the air for a guest spot. Producers for a show might even have code words on giant cue cards, or something as simple as “Check yourself during commercial.” In day-to-day settings, what do you do?
I know for me, it’s a little hard. I have this feeling that every time I even talk to a man in Minnesota, they think I’m trying to sleep with them. I’m a young single woman when I should be very married by this age, so I MUST be looking to entrap some poor executive because I asked about his job while at a networking event. If I happen to notice that he prefers boxers with smiley faces, what do I do? Even if this businessman was about to get up on stage and say a few words to thank people for attending, I don’t know if I would say anything about his fly.
What about when you know the person? The male colleague who actually posed this question to me brought up a good point: even when you really know someone, it’s weird to say anything! “Check yourself” might mean “You have salad dressing on your chin.” And if you do a little nod or glance in that direction to, ahem, explain what you mean, then there’s the whole looking-down-there issue again. Sure, you could run down the hall, find another person of the opposite sex and say, “Hey Joe, Ryan’s fly is down. Will you let him know?” Then you’re just spreading the news. Joe has to go tell Ryan that his fly is down and he’ll KNOW that you said something. And the circle of humility continues.
But is it worse to just let him go? Get on stage or be in that important meeting all exposed? Ok, maybe not all the way, but I’m sure Ryan will feel like that once he realizes why no one would actually look him in the eye. Is it just as bad to NOT say anything?
What’s your experience with this? Do you tell? Do you find someone else to say something? Are there ways to make it NOT sound like it’s got to do with sex?
Not a big challenge, Emily — whether it’s an errant fly, lipstick on the teeth (women’s), or a piece of food that had landed on chin, etc, the approach is the same…
1. Get their attention (“Mary, I need to tell you something”)
2. Lean closer to their ear while not making eye contact (or you CAN do this looking them straight in the eye, but that’s only if you want to INCREASE their discomfort). Leaning in while you have their attention lets you focus on the action they need to take, not on the possible awkwardness of the moment.
3. Say “For the next minute, think of me as your brother (sister). Your fly has come undone/you have lipstick on your teeth/something ugly landed on your left cheek – whatever” (just be specific so they can fix it – eg, specify which cheek, or upper vs lower teeth)
4. Then look away while they fix it. Get right back to whatever conversation you were having and act like it was no big deal.
Almost always they will act, say thank you and you can have the good graces to quickly act as if the conversation never happened.
Marc, you always have the most practical advice! Thanks for sharing these steps, I think that a lot of people would benefit from these.
Trust me, it is more embarrassing for the man whose zipper is down than the messenger. It is not easy to non-nonchalantly zip among a crowd of people. As uncomfortable as it may be for the zippered one to regain control it is a much preferred situation than upon leaving an event finding that your zipper was down for the past three hours.
Direct is best. “Pardon me but your zipper is down. You may want to fix that”. Smile and continue on. Don’t make it a bigger deal than it is.
Mike, I had to tell a female friend once, and she about had a cow. I know that she would have rather known, but I do know since then, she does the double check. Maybe that’s what we need, the one slip and we never forget!
Do unto others….
Nice!
I would definitely want to be told and have no problem telling other people if I notice. Obviously do it quietly unless you’re in a group of good friends, then use the XYZ or barndoor phrase. Not because it keeps it more private, but because they’re funny.
If you can’t embarrass your friends, who can you embarrass?
Great post!
I totally forgot about XYZ!! I think we need to bring that back into everyday use. Unless it’s just me who forgot about it…
We don’t generally reply to posts however I will in this case. Wow 🙂