Have I ever told you that I grew up thinking that life really was a musical? People would spontaneously break out in song and dance, knowing an invisible orchestra would provide the score? Sometimes I still try to sing in public, hoping someone will join in to Annie’s “Tomorrow”…
A few years ago I finally saw the movie Funny Girl. If you live under a rock, this is one of Barbara Streisand’s most memorable performances, derived from a musical based on Fanny Brice’s life. This movie is where “Hello, gorgeous” was quoted. Fanny is a woman trying to make it on her own on the stage in 1920-30’s New York. She meets a man who, at the end of it, just can’t keep up with her. She surpasses him, and he leaves her, ashamed of his own shortcomings.
I’m afraid I am becoming this kind of funny girl.
When I think of my future, I want a man who isn’t going to compete with me. I want him to have his own goals instead of ones that can be trumped by mine. I love my last name, and unless his name is amazing, I’m not only keeping mine, but I also want him to take the name Jasper.
Even though there has been a lot of progression in the world, and women have the freedom to make choices, am I too liberal?
I’m not sure what I’ll actually believe when it comes to decision time, but I also know myself. While I might be alright with putting away professional dreams for a little while, the call will come again. Just as it did for Fanny. Why should I have to sacrifice that when so many beforehand didn’t?
I want to wear the pants and have the freedom. I know that with great freedom comes great responsibility, to modify Uncle Ben’s quote. I am willing to accept that responsibility. My own father, a Navy fighter pilot and Captain, missed a lot of my childhood. But he made every moment count when he was home. We are incredibly close, and I can’t imagine growing up any other way.
Would a man be threatened by a woman who wanted this life?
I didn’t need Funny Girl to tell me this, but it provided a real reaction that still happens to this day. I know men who are threatened by a woman wanting to pave her own way. They feel a woman who wants to follow her dreams means that they must crush a man in their wake.
That isn’t true. If anything, I want a man to still be an individual ready to take responsibility himself. We’ve bred a generation of doormat males, afraid to step up.
Two people with dreams and passions can still make a life. You need to find the complement instead of the competition. All I am hoping is that there are still a few men out there, willing to complement my passions with their own.
Praying that someone won’t walk away because he is threatened by this funny girl.
You don’t have to take his last name, but I think expecting him to take YOUR name is a bit much, honestly. But aside from that, most of your sentiments are fair ones.
Man or woman, I think most people are of the frame of mind that they want to be the priority to someone. And motivated people like you, (as you have described yourself here) just need to remember that sometimes everyone needs to be reminded of how important they are in a relationship. As long as a partner is freely given your TIME when needed, a relationship can thrive.
If you can do that, and truly do want to have a partner who will do the same, then there is nothing wrong with being ambitious as well as in love.
I won’t lie…there are still a large number of men that would probably be unhappy or intimidated by a woman who expressed the relationship preferences that you have expressed here. But there are more men who would be happy with it now, than say, 50 years ago.
Yay Ty, being the man to respond!! What you point out is the idea of partnership, and I fully agree you don’t have to crush each other to be happy. There will be times of compromise, and fortunately, technology and advances in the world are making compromise a bit easier.
And about the last name thing: I will say, if he has a personal brand to maintain, keeping his name does make sense. I’ve also known couples to take each other’s names and hyphenate. Now that we don’t exchange women for property anymore, I think name changing expectations should be able to go both ways, and it shouldn’t be surprising that a woman might want her husband to take his name, just as much as there’s an expectation for her to take his.
But time does make all the difference. Who knows what we’ll be doing 10 years from now?
Great post!
I think you make some awesome points in this one. I don’t love my last name, but it is who I am, and I would rather not change it. I think the whole idea of doormat men can really ring true, especially for strong-willed women. We want a partnership more than anything. I think it’s important though, also to be building something together – a life, a home- something.
Many women who want a man who won’t be intimidated, or competitive, really do want a doormat and sometimes they just want another body to live with.
In order for it to be a true partnership, you both have to be looking in the same direction (not necessarily at the same thing). I hope too, that my assertiveness and rather strong will won’t chase them away too!
Howdy Mehnaz, “In order for it to be a true partnership, you both have to be looking in the same direction (not necessarily at the same thing).” That pretty much sums it up for me. I think the idea that opposites attract can be hard when you’re dealing with driven people. Driven people like to be around other driven people, so for me, I want someone who has goals. We’d then keep things interesting for each other.
Thanks for the comment!
I think it’s ridiculous that you want him to take your last name. Not because it’s uncommon, but because it could potentially damage the name he’s worked so hard for – suddenly, the work from his past is no longer tied to him. Women are able to account for this because paperwork often has a spot for “maiden name” – why make his life more difficult just because you think your last name is better than his?
Why not just name your first born son (if you have one), “Jasper?”
Hi McKenzie, I guess what I’m thinking is that just because a system is there (maiden name check boxes), why do we need to perpetuate it? As I replied to Ty above, if he has a name he’s worked hard to either brand of it’s how he’s recognized (many doctors keep their names), then that’s fine. What I think is difficult is if women are making a lot of progress in the world, why can’t we have the same options? If someone is expecting me to give up mine, they should know I expect the same in return. I don’t want to lose my work either, and so many women do. While it may make filling out a tax return a little tricky, I understand why celebs rarely take another’s last name. Sure, it could be said it’s because the marriages don’t last, but a lot is that the name is a brand. If my future husband relies on that, then I won’t make him sacrifice his name, as long as he knows I’m not going to either. Thanks for the comment!
That said, I HIGHLY doubt your future husband would demand it. Most men don’t care one way or another.
Why do you consider choosing to take your husband’s name “perpetuating it?”
I prefer to have the same last name as my husband, and I like our child to have the same name as us. I know PLENTY of very successful women (VPs at businesses you may have heard of, Medtronic, General Mills, and others) who have taken their husbands name or hyphenating. What’s wrong with that?
Hi McKenzie, I guess if there’s the option for women to take names, it should be the same for men. If we need to keep a form of the “maiden name” box, men can fill it out just as easily as women. I’m not saying anything is wrong if a woman does want to take her husband’s name, but as of this moment, it’s not for me. If, as you say men don’t care one way or the other, and I do care, taking my name should be worthy of a discussion. I don’t want it dismissed because it just isn’t done very frequently. Thanks for the discussion!
Well, Emily, unlike many of your commenters here, I won’t make the last name issue the centerpiece of mine. Why, because that wasn’t your key issue.
I admire your insights about yourself, your aspirations, and the issues that get in the way of great relationships between men and women. Some things are simply non-negotiable and you have a strong sense of what they are for you. Women historically have been quick to “give up” important pieces of themselves to “get a decent man.” I’m sure you know all the reasons why, as there are many. That strategy works for some but in today’s world not so much.
Finding the right relationship takes patience and, as cold as it might sound, due diligence, if it is to survive the pressures of daily life. The right man is looking for you as I write. It may take a while for you to find each other. He may be older, in a different line of work, in another country, or right next door. But he’s out there, so watch for him and when you find him, he’ll be as relieved as you. But do not give up any part of who you are, what you need, and how you dream. That needs to be what attracts the two of you.
If you haven’t read Elizabeth Gilbert’s two books, “Eat Pray Love” (about her global journey to find herself after a horrific divorce leading to the love of her life) and “Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage” (a study of marriage relationships in other cultures and the paradoxes that prevail), I think you’d like them. Both are personal, readable, and enlightening. Enjoy~Dawn
Dawn, thank you so much. You’re right, I had been trying to convey more in this post. Your encouragement means a lot, and I appreciate it. I have Elizabeth Gilbert’s books on my list to read, and I might bump them up now from your recommendation. Thank you so much for sharing your experience here!