The other day, a man crossed the street as I was pulling into my parking garage. As I stopped to get the ticket, I looked in my rearview mirror. He had followed my car in and was approaching. When the gate went up, I saw him turn. I parked, saw plenty of other cars, and went into the skyway. I saw the man come into the hall with me. I assumed he wanted to get out of the cold. There were others in the skyway, I walked quickly. I could hear him behind me.
He approached me from behind and began to ask for money. He wasn’t asking any of the men walking through the hall. Just the one white woman. He had followed my car, singled me out, and I wanted to vomit.
The incident by itself shouldn’t have disgusted me so much, but it’s on the heels of others. I arrive to work early in the morning, 6:30 sometimes. And while the garage is well-lit, the skyways attached have little security that early in the morning. With it being so cold, there are many homeless people seeking warmth in the paths connecting the office buildings.
Then the aggressive comments begin. Pairs and trios of men behind me, talking about my ass. Talking about how good I’ll take it. That brushing against me would show me what they could give me. That they could rip me wide open. That they would give me a reason to walk faster.
Imagine trying to start work after a few mornings of that.
I’m too afraid to turn and say anything. There isn’t a guard walking the hall to whom I can call attention. So I walk faster, hoping to make it to my own office building where we have plenty of security. Hoping they don’t keep following me. If there’s one person bothering me, I will say “Stop!” But no one ever chimes in, “She asked you to leave her alone.” So when there’s more than one, I don’t know what to do.
I filed a report, and I was told that there’s a guard on duty down in the lobby of the garage. That security in the other buildings is up to their own preferences. That I could press a red button in the hall, and someone will answer on the call box.
And by that point the jeering men would have moved on, and new men will make new comments tomorrow.
I have to find a new place to park. I asked my boss if I could vary my schedule or work from home more often. If you look up a crime rate comparison, apparently Minneapolis and DC aren’t that different. And I felt so much safer in DC.
I shouldn’t feel victimized, but I do. I should be stronger. I should put my self-defense training to work. But I’m paralyzed by fear.
And I don’t know what else to do.
Whoa Emily, glad to know you got out of this safe! I had a similar experience while waiting at a bus stop at Hennepin Ave. but thankfully there were people around, and one of them came to my rescue. Making a change to your work schedule is probably the best thing you can do. Would going to work later in the colder months (when there will be more people in the skyway with you) help you feel safer? Be strong!
Last year, I actually stopped staying late at the office (7pm) because I was getting stranded because the infrequency of the evening buses, and with driving was afraid to get back to my car. As you cut down the hours, factoring in traffic, how can I get anything done? At least I can do what I can to change things, since I’m likely to not impact what is going on around me.
Things haven’t changed since I first moved to the Twin Cities back ’84. I was taking evening classes at MCAD and catching the bus at Nicollet Avenue and 24th. I didn’t have a car yet. There’s a McDonald’s on the corner notorious for drug dealing and god knows what else. Probably still is. I’d pray there would be someone at that bus stop so I wouldn’t be alone. Even though I was young, attractive, white, the thing that I believe protected me was how I carried myself. I walked with a “don’t mess with me, I know where I’m going” attitude. If you look like you’ll make trouble, they will leave you alone. I also made a habit of carrying my keys tightly between my fingers so they stuck out and could scratch a face pretty badly. Thankfully, I never had to use my keys as a weapon.
It’s a terribly sad commentary on our society that women of all ages, STILL live in fear on a daily bases, simply going to and from work. To the bad mouthing men, I hope you have the courage to suddenly turn, look them directly in the eye and say “Is that how your mother raised you to behave?” I know, I probably wouldn’t have the courage, either. I’m a glad you are speaking out about it — it’s not just a woman’s issue, it’s an all of society issue.
Kristin, isn’t it awful how there’s a cycle? I think the usual way I carry myself attracts the comments, the speedy walking perpetuates them, but if I change my posture, I’m afraid I come off as vulnerable and welcome it all again. Thanks for your comments.
Umm I really sympatise with you Emily & your predicament. Unfortunately this is the case for loads of women & for men to be like that discusts me. In fact it makes me angry just by reading your blog, I can feel my anger rising now! I’d love to be there when all this is happening!!
It’s a small minority of men that are like this & it gives a bad general impression of men. But it happens & it doesn’t excuse it by saying it’s a minority. All men should respect women & protect them, not scare them!
I’ve advised dozends of women over here (England) about these situations & how to best handle them.
I’ve always hated bullies & fought them at school. I’ve had a number of real life situations since leaving school to this present day.
It is allot easier for me, in fact quite simple. I’m 6′ 1″ & 193lbs, I’ve loved boxing scince 14 years old & have trained at martial arts. As well of lots of other rough physical sports. Obviously for you or any woman its very scary, but can advise you how to best handle these situations.
Because these ‘scum bags’ are bullies they are basically cowards, picking on physically weaker & less likely to get agressive females. I know mens phycology well, it obviously helps & is easier to understand because I am a man.
The more they see you are afraid & walk faster, the more they will persue you & continue their vile behavior.
If you consider an analogy in wildlife. Cheetas stalk antelopes (for example) & when the distance is right ‘run for them to kill’. The antelope by instinct runs for safety & because the antelope runs (as expected) the cheeta persues faster. Often the cheeta catches the antelope by the throught & kills it.
Now consider what would happen if the antelope suddenly turned around to face the cheeta, with it’s sharp dangerous horns facing the cheeta??
For the cheeta this would be a massive shock, contrary to all its instincts & what it has learnt in life. The cheeta would be totally confused by seeing sharp horns facing & threatening it. It would most likely pull up fast, stop it’s chase & go away confused to hunt something else later.
I’m certainly not suggesting you stop, turn around & try to fight these ‘scum’. Forget even trying your self-defense, self-defense should only be used if needed as a last resort & I hate to say it but self defense training in real situations doesn’t usually work anyway (you only see that on films). But at least you have that knowledge as a back up.
What you need is agression, an agressive state of mind, body/facial expression & voice – when needed. If you get harrassed like you say, it is ruining your day to day life. What right do these ‘scum bag’ cowards have, to even effect your life in the slightest!
Do not let them effect your life at all, nip the situation in the bud. What I am going to suggest will be hard for you, so practice it 1st with friends -allot, so you will be more ready to do it.
The next time this harrassment happens stand facing them, scream very loud all the swear words you want (ie – just fuck off, fuck off, fuck off you bunch of arseholes, fucking leave me alone). This in itself will give you an agressive facial expression & mean it, let some tension & anger out, shout loud & you will also automatically have an agressive body language.
These cowardly scum men will be so shocked & may not pick on you again. They will most likely use language & verbal bravado back to try to save some misquided pride, so expect this & do not let it bother you. It is they that are weak not you.
If it does happen again use the very same approach. After 2 or 3 times of this max, they will see you as a difficult target/prey & stop doing what they used to get away with. At most the’ll be reduced to a few sly comments at you. So just ignore them, again they are weak not you. Inside you will be laughing at how pathetic they are.
It is a shame that I advise females the correct approach to this harrassment is to be very agressive back (verbally & facial/body expressions), which is against womens normal, kind and gentle phycology.
It’s the sad state of our times.
I hope what I have written helps you.
Warm wishes,
Steve Russell x.
Thank you Steve, your tips are much appreciated. I like the idea of practicing, it’s something that we don’t think to do. And it is sad that one person has to ruin it for everyone. I would prefer to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time, I don’t want to be naive.
I know there are plenty of others who you have helped by sharing these tips. Thank you!
PS I saw your twitter about this on Twitter about about 1 1/2 hours ago.. We follow eash other there & my Twitter userhame is steverussell2
Emily I get so angry that women can’t go about their normal business without fear of attack. Very angry. I don’t know what the solution is-I just want to say don’t give up your right to park wherever you want, whenever you want.
Heather, Thanks for the anger. I will say anger is a good contrast to fear, and it really helps. Thank you…
Emily, it is so sad do see that this seems to be a problem in many countries. I live in Barcelona, Spain and for the last six month they have been reforming the street in front of our house. That means that from 7:30 in the morning there are loads of men from the construction company in the road. As the road has been closed for the main part of the last half year, there was almost no other people there, and no cars for that matter. My husband leaves the house at 6:00. I usually walk the dog at 7:30 and leave the house around 8:10. Or rather, I used to do this. Ever since the works started outside, I hate it to be out there while the guys are working. To makes things worse I am blond (a huge factor here in Spain when it comes to attracting unwanted comments from men) and very obviously non-Spanish. It started with just comments which made me wish I didn’t speak the language. Then one day one of the guys tried to make a joke of trying to sneak into the building with me when I came back with the dog. I was so scared! Especially because I was supposed to leave the building again 10 min later to go to work.
I haven’t found a solution either. I now walk the dog at 7:00, though it is still dark then. I check from our balcony how many guys are actually in shouting range before leaving for work. And I HATE it! My big relief is that the works will all be done by the end of January, so then at least in my own neighborhood I will feel a little safer again. But still, it makes me very angry that I feel so helpless. And it makes me still more angry that (male) friends would just tell me to take it as a compliment, and to just accept that this is the way it is in Spain. But just because it has been like this forever, it still feels wrong.
A friend told me to find out the names of the guys and tell their wives. But that is not really an option.
So, though on a societal level of course you should go public to accuse the problem, make the system change and solve the problem for everybody, I guess for yourself in the short run it is easier to find another parking lot or change your working hours. And then write an open letter to the city major (or his wife) and all newspapers in the city.
Valentina, thank you for sharing your story. I know I used to be bothered by construction workers in DC and was thankful there was at least a fence to separate us. Comments telling women, “that’s how it is” or “suck it up” isn’t right. And I know that when you get beyond women, anyone who is different from the harassing group attracts jeering. As my mom used to say, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” I think Kristin had a point, asking if this was how their mothers raised them. We’ll see if I need to use that as a come back. As for you, good luck until January, and I hope you feel safer then.