When I got hired in my first real world job, someone sat down with me and went through the file to show me attributes about my work style and personality that had been revealed through my hiring assessments. One thing that popped out was that I am a People Pleaser. I want to do things right, anticipate needs, and in general, make everyone happy. This can be good, but on the flip side, I will take on stress bending over backwards, and if something doesn’t turn out right, I take personal responsibility 99% of the time.
This is also part of my personal life.
I think about how I’m perceived, imagine that I have some control, and do my best to keep everything around me running smoothly.
This means I also analyze fervently in the back of my mind trying to understand how people’s reactions might be a manifestation of a way that I didn’t please them. That I didn’t do my job to keep things copacetic. And I can take it personally.
So when I started blogging, I hadn’t thought through how I’d really react to people who didn’t agree with me. Sure, I had contemplated that I’d brush off those angry hostile responses I’d get from the crazies. I’d rise above them.
Understanding the bloggers who disagreed, but took time to write thoughtful responses, became a whole other issue. I began to think that they must HATE me! Clearly, I must have failed them somehow because I didn’t think the same way. I wasn’t one of “the gang” because I had the opposite view. How could I call myself a Gen-Y blogger when I seem to find value in systems like corporate life and planning ahead? If you can’t tell, I’m also not exactly the debating type, so I wasn’t planning on firing back a witty, yet well-researched, response.
I literally worried that if I ever met these bloggers face-to-face, they would already look down (I’m short), give me *that* look, and say, “Well, you’re not really good enough, are you?”
Then I met Rebecca Thorman. We don’t always agree, but in meeting her face-to-face, I realized she probably didn’t keep a mental log of all the times that we might have had opposite positions on a subject. Sure, blogging is a piece of our lives, but there’s so much more.
And since then, I’ve been doing my best to learn from those who share the opposite view. They do like me enough to share constructive thoughts instead of bashing me for no reason. They support me on other posts, share links, and we still arrange times to get together. Most of us have open invitations for grabbing a drink if we’re in each other’s city.
It’s also an opportunity to learn something about yourself. There are times that I’ll admit my view may have been too narrow. There are times that I’ll acknowledge that these comments made me think differently. I might have even changed my own mind once learning more. We’re allowed to do that. We’re allowed to grow.
In fact, we should.
How do you manage comments on your blog? What goes through your head when you don’t agree with a post? How do you continue to build relationships when you may have opposite views?
Emily,
Great Post and great points. This is actually a post I have in the works right now (I will ping you when I post it).
As an educated people pleaser I understand the desire to want to share your thoughts and lessons with people but all-the-while you are wondering what people think. My first blog post I was slightly attacked on twitter for making it amateurish. I freaked a little and then stepped back and said okay, let’s handle this—PR mode kicked in. I learned so much from following up and facing the criticism head on.
So my advice is to face all of the critics. Ask them why, tell them why you feel the way you do. Bring the conversation forward…it will only inspire more conversation. At the end of the day, I have a really great blogger relationship with some of my harshest critics. Just because it is an opposing view point doesn’t make either of you wrong.
Cheers,
T
Teresa, I think you hit on a point that there are any number of rules that have been informally established in the blogging world. In many cases, when you first start out, you’re not following the status quo. You’d think your own blog is a safe place for discovering how to navigate, but not really…if anything it’s harder because it’s so public.
And you’re so on the money: neither of you are really wrong. You just feel differently. We’re allowed to have our own opinions, it’s how we use them that can make us a valuable contributor or a jerk. Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to your own post about this topic!
I don’t typically worry whether or not someone agrees with me, because I know that I don’t agree with a lot of people. I have trouble with people being mean or abusive in comments, though. That’s where I draw the line. Depending on what people say, I may take it under advisement or I may just say “I don’t see it that way and this is my blog, so if you disagree with me or don’t like me, you’re free to not read me/be friends with me/follow me.”
Allison, I love your response. You don’t have to back down from your opinions, and that’s something I’m sometimes willing to do. On the other hand, I can come across as wishy-washy and inconsistent by doing that. And there’s no reason to put up with mean and abusive comments. Good for you!
Ah! This is SO Me! I really liked that you wrote about this, because it is something I have also been told in work settings (and in personal ones.) Because of this idea that we have to PLEASE all the time – sometimes we sacrifice our anxiety levels too. I haven’t had as much experience yet with the debating on blogs, but I have found myself avoiding jumping into controversial topics. This post has inspired me to do it more 🙂
Great ideas!!
Isn’t it nice to know when you’re not alone? Anxiety kills when you let it get to you. I know that I’ve developed a thick skin for that, but there will be times when something creeps in. So you plan, manage, organize, and probably develop a neurosis…I think I’ll be jumping into some more controversial conversations as well. I’ll see you there!
The way I am personally & professionally is a lot like Allison. I’ve been given feedback as a no-nonsense person, sometimes arrogant, and someone who always speaks her mind, regardless of the situation I am in. This doesn’t work for me very well in several personal situations 🙂 (all a part of my ‘personal improvement plan’ that we’ve shared comments on so often).
At the workplace, I’m certainly more toned down. But thankfully, this personality trait has so far held me in good stead – I’ve always been in Marketing Analysis. Which means speaking my mind, aggressively selling it and supporting it with hard data is actually a good thing. Having said that, I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to do a complete change of opinion and candidly agree with the other person. I’m fine with that. As I am with ‘letting go’ when someone just doesn’t ‘get it’.
What I’ve observed is, at the end of the day, people always respect you for standing your ground, having an opinion, and fighting for it. Either at the workplace or otherwise. And that for me has been a fairly effective relationship builder, despite differences in opinion.
Sabera, I can imagine sticking to your guns has served you well. You’re right, there’s a time and place for it, and often (if you have thought things through, presented good information), people respect you for it. You’ve even given me some more gumption for standing my own ground. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this. Maybe we’ll all learn a little bravery from you!
[…] Recently Emily Jasper put up a post about confrontation on your blog posts. As a people pleaser, I agreed with Emily’s struggle with the negative or disapproving comments. And yet, Emily and I both have a blog and put our thoughts out there to be judged day in and day out. […]
You’re not alone on the anxiety related to being a People Pleaser. At first, I was constantly afraid of ticking someone off, especially the bloggers with 1000 to 100,000+ readers, and have them blacklist me for being too opinionated or perhaps offending someone.
The strange thing that I found out fairly quick is that having a real life opinion and speaking my mind actually set me apart from many of others, and actually helped me get noticed faster that I might have in the beginning. Nothing wrong with speaking your mind, just let everyone know that you’re approachable and your opinions aren’t completely inflexible, and things will work out well.
You’ve made a great point: showing willingness to learn about the other side, and that you’re not so bull-headed that you can’t listen. I know I’ve tried to be truly genuine in my approach, even if that means everyone sees the silly side along with the serious side. That probably helps to keep things constructive when people don’t agree instead of hostile. Thanks for the comment!